Remember this. I wouldn’t want to advise you to look for something in every single thing, though, because that’d just be ridiculous and would probably drive you crazy, but just know that whatever happens, it’s for a reason.
The only day we’ll be able to blame society without any guilt whatsoever, will be the day we go against society as we know it. And that means going against our very own selves. And that’s way too hard. And way too dangerous. But there’s something called hope. We can hope that one day we might be able to realize the dream of the world becoming a better place. But in order to change society and in turn ourselves, we must first understand it.
After my very emotional post this morning, I continued writing for a bit. It was a form of cleansing and healing. Here’s a little of what I wrote. I thought it was quite nice, so I decided to share!
‘I know why you liked me, though. Out of all the Nicosia girls, me. I kept asking you and my own self all the time while ‘dating’. Remember? At first, I thought it was because I was different. There’s excitement and mystery in that. And it intrigued you, in part. But I only just discovered why. And it all makes sense now.
Without even knowing me, you liked me. It wasn’t hard for you to fall for me (or so I thought you did anyway). I can’t possibly ever know the truth, but I’ll settle for that. Well, it was because I didn’t know any of your past, and I didn’t want to know either. It gave you a sense of freedom, didn’t it? You could be free with me, and I could be free with you. Because we sought the exact same thing. And I fell for you for the exact same reasons you did. Until I became attached…
And that’s when I lost myself completely. I couldn’t be anyone with you anymore. And it all changed. And it ended. And I can’t seem to find myself just yet. But I’m working on it.
And now that I look back, with a clearer judgment than before, I know why I fell for you the way I did and still suffer the consequences. It was because you gave me a chance, overlooking my bad qualities, focusing on my good ones. And it seemed too good to be true at times. And yet so incredibly dark and painful at others.
But these are only my thoughts. Because I can never say for sure. And you can never say for sure, either. Because we don’t even know what we feel inside. Because we’re only human. And we exaggerate, and overthink and overanalyze, and forget.’
So, here it is! I quite like it (hah). Let me know what you think! I’m better now, so don’t worry!
…Maria. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being here when I need you most. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for showing me that life does go on. Thank you for reminding me that I’m strong and independent and that I don’t need him. Thank you for bringing out the best in me. I owe you my life. You’re amazing. And you deserve the world.
The hardest thing of all? Letting go of what you thought was real. Especially when this reality you’ve created yourself. In your mind. So perfectly and unmistakably.
Naturally, when I was younger, I liked quite a few guys. My friends will laugh at this, I’m sure – ‘quite a few’? ‘Maybe the entire school would be more like it’. And okay, my major crushes here and there. In any case, though, I always thought of myself as completely independent. I’d see my friends go out with guys all the time, but it didn’t matter to me, ’cause I liked my loneliness and I admired my ability to not depend on anyone. Until that one someone came along and destroyed the walls I had built for myself…
He penetrated through without any force whatsoever. I was actually the one to let these walls fall to the ground, and I became attached, without even realizing. I’m too messed up after the breakup, despite it being four months ago, to talk sensibly. But I’ll try the hardest I possibly can. Before him, I felt like no one was ever good enough for me. It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? How, at such a young age, does one have such predetermined ideas of how their partner should be like? I never gave a chance to anyone – not even to the ones that I actually liked. I knew that something better would come along for me. I was almost certain.
When I first saw him he didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t like him. He was a stranger, but he grew to be everything I had ever known. In 28 days. I accepted him as my ‘boyfriend’ not because I thought I had found the one, but because I decided to give a chance to someone for once. My dreams were crushed in the summer anyway, so I thought, why not. I could just be normal, like all those other girls who change boyfriends one after the other. I decided to try it out. How bad could it be? And as time went by, I became attached. Not with him, but with a picture of him. And that’s the hardest. Because in the first ten days that we were together, I told him I didn’t know him and he agreed. I became attached to a picture I had created in my mind for him, and he seemed more and more perfect to me. Even now, five months since we first got together, he seems more and more ideal to me every single day that goes by.
My friends keep pointing out his flaws to me, and I know them, I really do, but they don’t matter. ‘Cause I imagined my life with him and it’s once your daydreams become your dreams that you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. He was perfect without even trying. He never tried. And that drove me crazy. And that drew me closer. Day by day.
I can’t even recognize me anymore. I’m so dependent on going out with friends to keep my mind busy. If I stay home more than an hour I fall into a state of depression and can’t pull myself together for days. And when I finally manage to get my shit together, it’s only for a couple days, and then again, I remember, and the vicious cycle goes on. Maybe I should have never given him a chance… But then again, everything happens for a reason. It was my choice to give him a chance. If I hadn’t, I might have never known these feelings that I feel now. And I want to know these feelings, because at least I can get to experience life.
It’s even worse when you don’t understand, though. Because you try to make sense of things that have no logic at all. Logic is replaced by irrational ideas and what you thought as the set rules for life and for love, well, they’re not there anymore – they’ve disappeared all of a sudden. And you’re left all alone, trying to understand… But there’s absolutely nothing to understand. Nothing. Not a single thing. Because it’s over now. And it shouldn’t matter. But it does… It does. More than ever before, it does.
It’s a mixture of missing him, and believing that he was the one, and just having faith that if it’s meant to be, it will be. But it’s just too hard to believe that it’s not meant to be. Because this picture that I’ve created in my head is way too perfect to let go. It’s been four months. Knowing that you gotta let go, but not having the strength to do so. Because I know that time won’t wait for me. And it goes faster and faster every second.
Never have I ever cried for a guy. Until now. After all, he taught me there’s a first time for everything…
If you ever read this, just know that I love you. Or maybe it’s just an obsession. And I’m messed up quite bad right now to have a judgment unclouded and clear, but right now, I only know what I feel, and I feel love. Because if this pain is not because of love, then what pain is? And where is this pain coming from, anyway? You’ve ruined me and you’ve built me up, too. It’s funny, though, how you’ll probably never know of any of this. But that’s better. So much better. Ignorance is bliss.