Everyone has a story.

Sharing our life stories, changing the world.

Another year has passed…

My last post on here is a little more than a year old, dated June 29, 2016. It’s incredible how time flies. I’m turning 21 in about a week. It’s actually scary how the days, the months, and then the years come and ago so quickly. At least I’m not feeling that I’ve done nothing in my life up until this point. Though, I do feel that I must do more. I must feel that I must do more. I guess I’m just not sure how to pursue that goal, though. This is what this post is about, really.

I seem to be going with the flow currently, working at my mother’s law office for the summer, looking to complete my undergraduate law degree next year. It seems that everything is falling into place slowly. Yet everything seems to be rather more calm than I would want it to be. But at the same time I like this security and having a clear plan ahead of me. I’m trying to think of ideas, to be inspired somehow, to do something extra, something more. I can feel, and I know, that the future is full of new and exciting things to do. That’s in any case an inevitable consequence of life. It doesn’t require too much ‘pursuing’, if that’s all one wants/needs.

My issue is, to put it simply, that I feel like I must do more, seek out opportunities, live my life, but I’m also content with my current circumstance, and really not sure whether the desire to ‘do more’ has originated from societal ‘pressure’ or is inherent. If the latter, then great. But if the former, that’s actually pretty bad. I’m leaning towards the inherent desire more, thankfully.

I guess, we’ll see.

 

Advertisements

Sometimes it gets really tough…

Just yesterday I arrived in London to begin the third and final year of my studies. How I’m feeling about this is a post of its own, because my feelings have become so mixed and confused nowadays that the answer to this simple, easy question is not nearly as clear-cut as it should have been.

The second half of yesterday and the first half of today (approximately) have been incredibly hard for me. I’ve been feeling particularly vulnerable regarding my failed relationship; I’ve struggled to keep in control of myself in terms of not contacting my ex. The only other time I felt so in need of him was when I travelled to Greece with my parents for our summer holiday in the middle of August. I remember trying to stop myself calling for about half an hour before I could no longer resist the temptation and eventually – unfortunately? – gave in. I promised myself then that I would never call or message my ex again. I was somewhat happy to have given into the impulse then because I thought I had come out stronger, more determined than ever to forget him and move on. There was another instance in between that I just mentioned and today on which I couldn’t stop myself from contacting him, but that was just a bad day. The differentiation I’m trying to make here is basically that although I contacted my ex on this ‘bad day’, when I went on holiday with my parents to Greece and having come to London now (again with my parents), these last 2 situations don’t (necessarily) involve anything bad about them. Neither do I think the fact that my parents were and are with me has anything to do with my vulnerable state right now. Again, although my feelings about this academic year are mixed and confused, I don’t think this has anything to do with feeling this way – or at least shouldn’t have that great of an impact. I do think that what’s causing this is the change of circumstances. On both occasions (excluding the ‘bad day’), I travelled somewhere. I don’t know why travelling should have anything to do with it, but it appears that it does.

Sometimes it gets really tough… I’m just trying to understand why it gets so tough on these particular occasions when on other days I’m completely fine. If I could find out why I could try to deal with it. Nonetheless, this time I was able to withstand the urge. I didn’t call or message him! Let’s see how the rest of this term goes – I’m actually very scared about what’s to come. Stay tuned for the next post to find out why.

OPPORTUNITY

This will be a couple-sentence post. Trust me when I say these kinds of posts are the most important.

The more you do, the more you get involved in, the more opportunities will come your way, the more doors will open for you. 

It’s a ‘first year of uni’ kind of advice, and at the same time, a ‘forever’ advice. It’s a simple thought, easily understood, logical. Take my word for it, and do it.

opportunity

MEETING SOMEONE NEW EVERY SINGLE DAY

About a year ago (similar to my last post), I decided I’d like to meet someone new every single day of my life. I guess I decided this over the summer because I was going out every single day anyway, so that would be a plausible ‘target’ to ‘work towards’. I did know that this ‘target’ would not really be an appropriate one to have during term time because I would have other, more important worries then. Nonetheless, I satisfied myself by deciding that during term time the rate at which I would seek to meet new people could decrease to an acceptable one (I don’t really remember what that was – I think I must have given up by that time to be honest). The reasons for having this desire to meet someone new every single day (at least in the summer) shouldn’t require further explanation – I just sought to become a lot more social than I already were (with the accompanying benefits that is, excluding any disadvantages that could potentially arise).

However, I don’t think I was able to reach my ‘target’ last summer (although thinking about it then and writing about it now seemed and still seems a lot easier than it actually is in practice). The same goes for this summer too, especially because this summer I actually had to work, meaning that free time and late nights were limited to a great extent. Although I’m not particularly happy with these results, I do want to keep trying for this ‘target’ because I do consider it to be worthwhile. I think I’ll restart my attempts beginning from tomorrow, and see how it goes this time, although I will reduce the rate at which I aim to meet new people otherwise I’ll end up with the same result. But what rate should that be? And is this a worthwhile ‘target’ to have? Let’s see – it will take time to show.

‘REFURBISHING’ MY LIFE

Last summer, I began feeling the need to reconnect with a number of people from my past, either to place them on a higher pedestal, giving them a more important role to play in my daily life, or to correct past mistakes, and therefore fix certain relationships which had become eroded or which had even been destroyed. I wasn’t too sure about this at first, because I did, and still do, believe that sometimes the past needs to remain where it belongs – in the past – and one has to move forward without looking back, especially if several years have passed. In any case, after a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to do this, to embark on this process of what I call the ‘refurbishment’ of my life. I decided that it would be better for me to face my past than leave it where it stood at the time, simply because my past was never something I completely forgot about – it always ‘haunted’ me to some extent. Thus, I began contacting many of those whom I had included in my list of reconnections.

In most of these cases, things worked out fine, a lot better than just fine in fact. The outcome was a thousand times better than I had anticipated at the start, and I think this was because the reward in the end was multi-faceted (more on this a bit later). Surely, there were people who weren’t thrilled to hear from me, or were just not interested in reviving past memories. And too, there were those who just didn’t care, or who had completely forgot about our past together. Nonetheless, most of my attempts were rewarded with new beginnings and the settling of my subconscious.

My initial motivation to embark on this process of reconnection was in fact to come to terms with my past and deal with some of my issues, and this is where the multi-faceted consequence of the reconnection comes in. Not only was I able to do that, but I was also able to feel as though I was achieving a goal, I felt accomplished, and I was truly happy to see so many people wanting to be in my life once again – I felt loved. I’m very thankful for those who were happy to hear from me and willing to either begin afresh or continue from where we left off. The very decision to face certain people from the past and deal with specific matters also, naturally, gave me a sense of power. The whole process matured me, taught me many things about myself, and helped me grow.

Having received encouraging responses and feedback, I am still pursuing my ‘goal’ to this day. It’s clearly still a work in progress, and in fact, it will always be – because once you reconnect with people, you also have to keep the connection alive.

If there’s anyone in the past you’d like to reconnect with, or perhaps you’d like them to know something you’ve never told them, or you just want to fix things, contact that person. It’s never too late. Even if that person doesn’t respond positively, you’ll know you tried – and trust me, that’s all you need at the end. You can only do your very best – ever. And sometimes even a single short message of regret towards the other person can free you forever.

My ‘morning feeling’

Once I finished my exams in London this past May, thereby completing my second year at university studying the Law LLB, I couldn’t get away from the city fast enough. This is a post all of its own, though, one which I’m planning to work on soon enough (so, do stay tuned!). With a short lay-over in Athens to see my ex (not an ex at that point in time), I was back in my hometown, Paphos, before I had time to realise it. I began working at my mother’s law office immediately as soon as I was back, and my routine included having to wake-up at 05:00 a.m. each morning. I didn’t mind the early wake-up call considering I liked the job, I felt incredibly useful doing it, and I was also pretty used to sleeping and waking up early anyway – I’m just that kind of person. Okay, perhaps it’s taken a bit of a toll on me now after 2,5 months, but overall, my days were busy, yet fun. I really didn’t have much to worry about. After all, it’s summertime. I did have some stresses here and there, but everything seemed fine.

I began noticing that each morning I woke up I felt guilt. After about 30 minutes through the morning, that sick feeling was gone. I didn’t think much of it. Looking back now, I did sometimes get it in London too, when I had to put an early alarm clock. It is worth mentioning that I don’t remember me getting this feeling on Sundays, having slept for as long as I needed/wanted. Therefore, it must definitely have something to do with sleep, either the amount of it, or the wake up moment (whether the body and mind are ‘ready’ to wake up at the time the alarm clock goes off).

After my break-up, this feeling of guilt transformed itself into a feeling of sadness and emptiness; a yearning for him. It was then (not too long ago now) that I realised that the combination of my having to wake up very early, without having gotten all the sleep I needed or perhaps having woken at an unsuitable moment for my body and mind, and any feelings which weighted on my subconscious caused this ‘morning feeling’. My ‘morning feeling’ nowadays seems to only be about my recent break-up, but overall, it must be true that all the feelings which have arisen over the years, from all kinds of situations, filled my subconscious, resulting in this kind of response. It’s actually slightly scary when you think about it, because during the day when I’m fully awake, I don’t get these kinds of feelings at all. Although it might make sense for me to feel this way now after my recent break-up, I find it particularly strange to wake up with feelings of guilt under normal circumstances, considering I don’t feel guilt generally. I don’t believe in feelings of guilt and remorse; I learned to face up to situations without leaving any feelings penned inside, and I grew to love myself and be able to live with myself and enjoy my company. I try to do good in the world, and I’m happy with who I am. Yet, after having experienced this ‘morning feeling’ it seems that my subconscious doesn’t think the same way.

I went online this morning having decided to figure this out for good, and it seems that as I had imagined, my already quite heavy subconscious (it seems), together with my OCD (which to be honest I didn’t expect to see manifest itself this way) are the two prominent candidates explaining my ‘morning feeling’. Alright, but how does one fix this?

I hope what I’m trying to explain makes sense to the reader and comes across precisely. If anyone has any idea what this ‘morning feeling’ is and how it can be ‘cured’ please do respond. I’ll keep researching online for some help, and I hope to write a follow-up post soon about a possible solution.

The mind plays weird games.

Getting Over It

I promise myself today, August 2nd 2017, that I will get over this break-up as quickly, efficiently, and healthily as possible. I am strong enough to do this. I will let only positive thoughts enter my mind and fill my head, and I will do good in the world. I will live my life, savour every moment, enjoy my summer, and do good. I am good enough, and I deserve the best. Everything happens for a reason, and my future is blessed. Only good days from today onwards for me.

Whatever you may be thinking or feeling right now, know that it’s not definite. Time heals and changes.

21

Each year my birthday rolls around I reminisce about my previous birthdays. The two which always rank the highest in my thoughts are (not too surprisingly) 16 and 18.

16 On my 16th birthday, I found myself on the Empire State Building in New York, as I was attending an English language summer school in a neighbouring state, Connecticut, in the US. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. It was freedom. I also remember meeting some acquaintances from back home – which was very strange indeed, considering we found ourselves in that place, at that time, half-way around the world away from home, only to actually see and recognise each other there! After we left, my teachers bought me a piece of cake with a little candle to celebrate. I think that was in Korean Town. This is a thing, right? I hope I remember right!

18 I turned 18 the first day of Tomorrowland 2014, which was also the event’s 10-year anniversary. Again, I remember that feeling like it was yesterday. I believe those were the 3 happiest days of my life. Even writing about it seems like a lie – it’s such an insane experience! This is one of the few things anything one says or writes will ultimately be inaccurate and inadequate – one has to live it to know it.

And… 21.

I can’t say I enjoyed last year’s 20th birthday very much. Although I had a birthday party and most of my friends were there, including my then boyfriend, it just wasn’t very fun for me. I even cried on the day because I felt I was growing old at an alarming speed. This year I didn’t really do anything – I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anyway. Nonetheless, I did have a family gathering. I can safely say this was my best birthday so far. Although I felt some passing sadness due to my failed relationship of two and a half years, I was grateful and truly happy to have all of my family at my home celebrating me. I felt the love, and that was enough to heal all wounds. I realised at that moment how important family is. I can’t say I took it for granted all these years, but I wasn’t very much appreciative of it either. I am so thankful to have a family, and this particular family most importantly. Those are the people you know will always be there no matter what.

Even the friends I chose to hang out with close to and on my birthday were very select, and everything just felt very at home and loving. The most important things in my life are my amazing family and my lovely friends. This is my answer.