Tonight

by Xenia Makridou

I was just out with my parents for dinner. We go out to eat too often, I suppose. This is because my parents don’t cook. It’s not as much that they don’t know how, as it is that they don’t have time. It’s not like they ever have time, really.

Since I came back from the states my dad seems ‘angry’ at me. He seems a little distant, I guess. And it’s not my imagination. I’m very good at figuring out what people are thinking/feeling, usually – not always, but very often. Let’s put it this way: He’s different.

Well, tonight ended in a fiasco, if this is not too strong a word to use. I certainly understand they’d be disappointed with my dropping out of summer school. And they would care about their $10,000. I’m disappointed with myself too, though. I also feel bad. Just like they do. Don’t they realize? I also understand how we might not be getting back the $50,000 my mom paid for the boarding school in the states. I don’t blame my parents. In fact, they should be angry at me. I mean, I have basically just wasted $60,000 for nothing. I hate myself for doing what I did this summer – just giving up on my life like this. I don’t know, there’s moments I feel like I could kill myself. I love myself too much to do it, though. It can’t rain forever; there’s going to be better days. I guess my expectation to see how my life will turn out to be is what keeps me going.

Tonight was terrible. You know how you choose to hold everything inside you, but then at some point, when you can’t do it anymore, you let everything out? Well, my dad was kind of like this tonight – in a mild version, I guess. I just wish everyone could forget and we could go on living our lives like nothing ever happened. I don’t wish I had never done what I did this summer, though. I’m the kind of person who believes in stuff like ‘everything happens for a reason’. But this is $60,000 that we are talking about. People make choices, though. And we pay for our choices, if these are the wrong ones. I don’t know if mine were wrong or right – it’s too early to say.

I’m sad. I don’t blame my parents, but I just wish they were there when I was considering applying to a school in the states. I just wish they were there when I needed them the most. They’re very understanding and all, I mean, if my parents were different they’d be like: “You want to drop out? There’s absolutely no way you’re doing that.” I’m not complaining. They’re great, and I love them. I missed them a lot when I was in the states. They’ve given me so much, and they still are. I basically have everything anyone could ever want. I just wish my parents had a little more time for me, and realized that money can’t make you happy from a point onwards.

Right now, all I know, is that I’m sad. But I’ll change that. Because I can’t live like this.

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I took these before the conversation about America started, so there. After all, they do look pretty. 🙂

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