My ‘morning feeling’

by Xenia Makridou

Once I finished my exams in London this past May, thereby completing my second year at university studying the Law LLB, I couldn’t get away from the city fast enough. This is a post all of its own, though, one which I’m planning to work on soon enough (so, do stay tuned!). With a short lay-over in Athens to see my ex (not an ex at that point in time), I was back in my hometown, Paphos, before I had time to realise it. I began working at my mother’s law office immediately as soon as I was back, and my routine included having to wake-up at 05:00 a.m. each morning. I didn’t mind the early wake-up call considering I liked the job, I felt incredibly useful doing it, and I was also pretty used to sleeping and waking up early anyway – I’m just that kind of person. Okay, perhaps it’s taken a bit of a toll on me now after 2,5 months, but overall, my days were busy, yet fun. I really didn’t have much to worry about. After all, it’s summertime. I did have some stresses here and there, but everything seemed fine.

I began noticing that each morning I woke up I felt guilt. After about 30 minutes through the morning, that sick feeling was gone. I didn’t think much of it. Looking back now, I did sometimes get it in London too, when I had to put an early alarm clock. It is worth mentioning that I don’t remember me getting this feeling on Sundays, having slept for as long as I needed/wanted. Therefore, it must definitely have something to do with sleep, either the amount of it, or the wake up moment (whether the body and mind are ‘ready’ to wake up at the time the alarm clock goes off).

After my break-up, this feeling of guilt transformed itself into a feeling of sadness and emptiness; a yearning for him. It was then (not too long ago now) that I realised that the combination of my having to wake up very early, without having gotten all the sleep I needed or perhaps having woken at an unsuitable moment for my body and mind, and any feelings which weighted on my subconscious caused this ‘morning feeling’. My ‘morning feeling’ nowadays seems to only be about my recent break-up, but overall, it must be true that all the feelings which have arisen over the years, from all kinds of situations, filled my subconscious, resulting in this kind of response. It’s actually slightly scary when you think about it, because during the day when I’m fully awake, I don’t get these kinds of feelings at all. Although it might make sense for me to feel this way now after my recent break-up, I find it particularly strange to wake up with feelings of guilt under normal circumstances, considering I don’t feel guilt generally. I don’t believe in feelings of guilt and remorse; I learned to face up to situations without leaving any feelings penned inside, and I grew to love myself and be able to live with myself and enjoy my company. I try to do good in the world, and I’m happy with who I am. Yet, after having experienced this ‘morning feeling’ it seems that my subconscious doesn’t think the same way.

I went online this morning having decided to figure this out for good, and it seems that as I had imagined, my already quite heavy subconscious (it seems), together with my OCD (which to be honest I didn’t expect to see manifest itself this way) are the two prominent candidates explaining my ‘morning feeling’. Alright, but how does one fix this?

I hope what I’m trying to explain makes sense to the reader and comes across precisely. If anyone has any idea what this ‘morning feeling’ is and how it can be ‘cured’ please do respond. I’ll keep researching online for some help, and I hope to write a follow-up post soon about a possible solution.

The mind plays weird games.