Sometimes it gets really tough…

by Xenia Makridou

Just yesterday I arrived in London to begin the third and final year of my studies. How I’m feeling about this is a post of its own, because my feelings have become so mixed and confused nowadays that the answer to this simple, easy question is not nearly as clear-cut as it should have been.

The second half of yesterday and the first half of today (approximately) have been incredibly hard for me. I’ve been feeling particularly vulnerable regarding my failed relationship; I’ve struggled to keep in control of myself in terms of not contacting my ex. The only other time I felt so in need of him was when I travelled to Greece with my parents for our summer holiday in the middle of August. I remember trying to stop myself calling for about half an hour before I could no longer resist the temptation and eventually – unfortunately? – gave in. I promised myself then that I would never call or message my ex again. I was somewhat happy to have given into the impulse then because I thought I had come out stronger, more determined than ever to forget him and move on. There was another instance in between that I just mentioned and today on which I couldn’t stop myself from contacting him, but that was just a bad day. The differentiation I’m trying to make here is basically that although I contacted my ex on this ‘bad day’, when I went on holiday with my parents to Greece and having come to London now (again with my parents), these last 2 situations don’t (necessarily) involve anything bad about them. Neither do I think the fact that my parents were and are with me has anything to do with my vulnerable state right now. Again, although my feelings about this academic year are mixed and confused, I don’t think this has anything to do with feeling this way – or at least shouldn’t have that great of an impact. I do think that what’s causing this is the change of circumstances. On both occasions (excluding the ‘bad day’), I travelled somewhere. I don’t know why travelling should have anything to do with it, but it appears that it does.

Sometimes it gets really tough… I’m just trying to understand why it gets so tough on these particular occasions when on other days I’m completely fine. If I could find out why I could try to deal with it. Nonetheless, this time I was able to withstand the urge. I didn’t call or message him! Let’s see how the rest of this term goes – I’m actually very scared about what’s to come. Stay tuned for the next post to find out why.

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